Junior Harrington #6 Point Guard Denver Nuggets New Orleans Hornets

2006-03-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

JUNIOR'S DREAM-WORLD NEWS

Eric Bana and Jennifer Aniston cozy up to each other, causing a frenzy of "Bananiston" headlines.

2006-02-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

OVERHEARD:

"It's like a mockumentary, but real."

OVERHEARD 2:

"Yeah, I was just in Antarctica. It's literally freezing down there."

NOTE: SOME OVERHEARDS MAY NOT ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN OVERHEARD.

2005-12-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

WHICH IS WEIRDER? WHICH IS CREEPIER?

That the face transplant donor hanged herself or that the face transplant recipient was mauled by her Labrador retriever?

Answers:

Weirder - mauled by Labrador
Creepier - hanging

2005-12-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

HALF-HEARTED REWRITE OF THE 10/31/05 POST

Has anything ever been described as a sequitir?

2005-12-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

THINGS YOU DON'T EVER HEAR, PART 2

I think right now, Garfield is as good as it's ever been.

2005-12-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

THINGS YOU DON'T EVER HEAR

Wow! AOL? For free?!

2005-11-29T11:44:00.000-08:00

AMBIGUOUS HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR THE LAZY MAN, VOL. 1

FOX MULDER

1. Put on a suit.
2. Voila, you are Fox Mulder.

2005-11-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

I DEFY YOU

To point to one instance in your life outside of an art history class where it was useful or interesting to note that a certain column was Doric, Ionic or Corinthian.

It simply hasn't happened to anyone.

2005-11-16T01:26:00.000-08:00

When I rate how good I think a star is, I use a scale of one to four movies.

2005-10-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever described anything as "adulterated"?

2005-10-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

New News:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have picked a name for their baby. Here it is:

Terry Schiavo Cruise

2005-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

ESPN.com's John Hollinger lists me as the fourth-worst player in the NBA according to his Player Efffiency Rating.

Re: me and the other people on the list, he writes:

Catch them while you can, folks, because you won't be seeing most of these guys in the NBA for much longer.

:(

2005-07-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

ESPN.com headline:

Lakers pick Turiaf to have open-heart surgery

This headline reads a lot funnier if you read "pick" as a verb.

2005-07-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

If fish could talk, would they call the area of the ocean right next to land "the beach"?

Would they go there when they went on vacation?

2005-07-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

It seems like in movies, the fictional big corporations are always named BlankCorp or SomethingTech, but I can't think of any real companies that end in -Corp or -Tech.

2005-06-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

BIG, BIG DRAFT DAY NEWS

Shelby Foote is dead!

2005-06-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

DRAFT DAY SPECIAL (ONE DAY EARLY):

Best photo of a lottery pick:

Winner, Andrew Bynum

2005-06-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

And now it's time for "Oh, the Inanity!," my new segment that asks readers to guess whether a series of goofy phrases are lyrics from the new Coldplay album "X & Y" or poetry I found on the Internet written by middle school students. Let's get things started, shall we?

"You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong"

Give up? It's Coldplay, from Track 11, "Swallowed in the Sea." Did you get it right? Good for you! If not? Better luck with this next one:

"What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme"

Time's up! It's Coldplay again, from Track 2, "What If?" Alright, we just have enough time for one more:

"And all you ever wanted is love
but you never looked hard enough...
Don't you want to see it soon
floating in a big white baloon?"

This one's a toughie, huh? The answer is it's Coldplay, from Track 9, "Low." Thanks for playing.

2005-05-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

Note to Chris Berman:

Brad "Cerebral" Halsey

You're welcome.

2005-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

Why is this a Wikipedia topic?

2005-04-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

File under "My friends and I have discovered:"

A good "Revenge of the Nerds" drinking game is to drink every time someone says the word "nerd."

Note: This works equally well for "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise," "Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation," and "Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love" (aka "Booger's Wedding").

2005-04-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

Headline from CNN.com:

BUSH UNVEILS ENERGY VISION

I'd be a lot happier with this headline if the story were about how President Bush revealed he could shoot beams of energy out of his eyes.

2005-04-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

I just saw an ad in which Jason Kidd romances the NBA championship trophy.

Shouldn't he be beating it up?

Just kidding, Jason.

Please don't beat me up.

2005-04-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

My favorite dry encapsulation of a humorous television commercial from a news article I read today:

"In the new ad for Dunkin's iced lattes, Epstein surprises Damon concealing a balding head with a longhaired wig. To keep Epstein from revealing that his trademark long hair is not real, Damon gives Epstein his iced latte. When Epstein sees Damon later in the day, he says, ''I'm still a little thirsty." Damon gives him his second latte as well."

2005-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Worst opening sentence to a news article I read today:

"If all goes according to plan, Snoop Dogg may “drop it like it’s hot” on stage at the Harvard Concert Commission’s (HCC) May 1 event, according to discussion during the Committee of College Life (CCL) meeting yesterday."

2005-04-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Lyrics from the Joan Osborne song "One of Us" I now find offensive in light of recent events:

1) "Nobody callin' on the phone / 'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome"

2) "Just tryin to make His way home / Just like a holy rolling stone"

2005-04-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

People always mourn the loss of the World Trade Center, but what about the people inside the buildings?

2005-04-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

WORDS THAT YOU FORGET ARE WORDS (A PARODY OF SPOONYPOO)

Stanchion

2005-04-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

MY NEW TV SHOW

Title: "Ghost Pope"
Theme Song: "Ghost Pope! Na na na na na na na na Ghost Pope!" (same melody as theme song to "Batman")
Logline: A spectral Pope travels around the world solving minor mysteries. His name? Phantom Pope. Ghost Pope is the name of his talking car.

2005-04-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

take my poll at:
Important:
htmlGEAR.com

2005-04-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

FEED THE POPE!

2005-03-31T12:38:00.000-08:00

FEED TERRY SCHIAVO!

2005-03-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

One thing I'm going to do is buy the same hooded sweatshirt in many different sizes. The first day, I'll wear the smallest size. Then, the next day, the second smallest size. By the third or fourth day, everyone at the office will be like "Oh, man, did that sweatshirt grow? That is crazy. What, do you have a magic dryer?"

This hinges on me getting a job at an office, which I'll admit is pretty unlikely at this point.

2005-03-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the new policy of the Oakland A's? After realizing their closer has bad directional sense, when players need directions to a party they "Don't Ask Dotel."

2005-03-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited about this ... I'm going to be writing a running diary of my experiences watching the NCAA Tournament all weekend long. This could be the most robust Junior post ever!

Let's get it started!

Thursday, March 24th, 4:10 pm
The first game, Louisville-Washington, is starting. Uh oh, I think my keyboard is about to brea

2005-03-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

Letter to the makers of the major motion picture Robots

Dear makers of the major motion picture Robots,

I refuse to fasten my seatbolt before viewing your movie.

Sincerely,
Junior

Second letter to the makers of the major motion picture Robots

Dear makers of the major motion picture Robots,

I also will not repair for adventure.

Sincerely,
Junior

2005-03-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

A joke a 9-year-old told me yesterday:

Q: What's Snoop Dogg's favorite type of weather?
A: Drizzle.

The 9-year-old then told me more jokes about the weather conditions most enjoyed by other Crips who have been arrested for murder.

2005-03-16T20:07:00.000-08:00

Many, many, many people have been emailing me asking questions like "What have you been up to?" or "Where (sic) have you been up to?" or "What have you sic (sic) been up to sic (sic)?"

Well, great questions, all of them. Mostly, I have been looking forward to the Roast of Jeff Foxworthy on Comedy Central on Sunday, March 20.

Here is what I imagine might happen at that Roast:

BILL ENGVALL
You know what I like? Reading magazines.

JEFF FOXWORTHY
I like pancakes.

RON WHITE
I like Spain and animals.

LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Where am I? Isn't this supposed to be a Roast? I'm out of here.

LENNY BRUCE
I like braids on girls.

DENIS LEARY
Me too!

2005-03-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

Reasons why if I ran a police precinct the last guy I'd hire to be a beat cop would be Bigfoot:

1) If criminals run fast to get away from normal cops, imagine how much faster they'd run to get away from scary Bigfoot.
2) How would he go undercover? The criminal will see him and think"That guy in the trenchcoat is obviously Bigfoot."
3) No way I could find him a partner, cause who wants to be partners with Bigfoot?
4) How would Bigfoot call out messages clearly over the police radio? As far as I know he can only grunt.
5) What would we do if there was a crime and Bigfoot ate all the evidence?

2005-02-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

From the 2009 Oscars:

"And the award for Best Picture goes to ... Priceless: The Movie!"

"Thank you. This is a great honor. It was only a matter of time before someone turned the famous MasterCard ad campaign into an Academy Award-winning masterpiece. I guess we were the ones who finally did it. We'd like to dedicate this statue to all the victims of the Great Academy Award Fire of 2005 except Jada Pinkett Smith, who, as we all learned, is impervious to flame."

2005-02-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

Not for children:

The pun "Gash Wednesday."

2005-02-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

TODAY'S LUIS BUNUEL QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Salvador Dali seduced many ladies, particularly American ladies, but these seductions usually consisted of stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman's shoulders and, without a word, showing them the door."

TODAY'S LUIS BUNUEL QUOTE OF THE DAY COMMENTARY:

That is not how you seduce a lady, Salvador Dali.

2005-01-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

In high school, when we elected our student body president every year it always just went to the most popular kid. Weird thing is, we also had a contest to determine the most popular student, and each time it went to the person who was most capable and accomplished.

2005-01-25T13:41:00.000-08:00

I know most of my readers read rockymountainnews.com daily, but in case you missed it:

"David Lee, the agent for point guard Junior Harrington, said he is interested in talking to Nuggets general manager Kiki Vandeweghe about a possible contract for his client. Harrington, who played for Denver as a rookie in 2002-03, averaged 6.4 points and 2.4 assists in 23 games with the New Orleans Hornets before being waived Friday. Lee said a handful of teams, including the Hornets, are interested in Harrington."

Junior Harrington back in a Nuggets uniform??? The only problem would be that Kenyon Martin took my number, #6. If you have any ideas about how I might go about convincing him to give me sexy six back, please post them in the comments section. I promise to try at least one of the suggestions if the Nuggests do in fact sign me. Thanks!

take my poll at:htmlGEAR.com'>http://htmlgear.tripod.com/poll/control.poll?u=lorinzaharrington&i=28&a=render">htmlGEAR.com Poll:
htmlGEAR.com

2005-01-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

In the Carly Simon tune "You're So Vain" she tells the guy in the song "you're so vain / you probably think this song is about you," but the song actually is about that guy, so wouldn't a more appropriate lyric be "you're so accurate / you accurately posited that this song is about you" ?

2005-01-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

FUN FACTS ABOUT JACKSON VROMAN

Career high in points: 4

At Iowa State, finished second all-time in school history in career field goal percentage (.558) and ninth all-time in blocked shots (70)

Acquitted of the double homicide of his wife and her lover in so-called "Trial of the Century"

Will not wear clothing with buttons or zippers

Career high in steals: 1

2005-01-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

:(

The Hornets sent disgruntled shooting guard Jim Jackson to the Phoenix Suns on Friday for shooting guard Casey Jacobsen, forward Maciej Lampe and forward Jackson Vroman. To make room, the Hornets waived promising point guard Junior Harrington and forward Matt Freije.

Yeah, I guess we really needed to make room for JACKSON VROMAN.

2005-01-21T16:19:00.000-08:00

They say we should cut up the plastic rings holding six packs of soda together so they can’t kill fish, but I bet this isn’t too popular among fish with painful terminal diseases who want to die with dignity on their own terms. But whatever, they can just go see the fish equivalent of Jack Kevorkian. I bet he’s got coves and coves full of uncut ones.

2005-01-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

In the world of dogs, it’s funny to think of a dog putting on a ski mask and robbing a bank full of other dogs. Panicking, a dog teller would give the robber a big sack with a bone drawn on it. The robber would then shoot the teller, screaming “Did I ask for bones? Where’s your catnip!?” Cause in the world of dogs catnip is the currency for some reason.

2005-01-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

JUNIOR MOVIE REVIEW CORNER

Fat Albert
Albert was not fat enough.

Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise and Fall of Jack Johnson
Jack Johnson's blackness was not unforgivable enough.

2005-01-18T19:54:00.000-08:00

Good news, sports fans. Comments are now enabled on Junior Harrington #6 Point Guard New Orleans Hornets.

The topic for this post's comments should be: Who will win the Super Bowl / how do you feel about Jerry Orbach's chances of getting into heaven?

Do not mention purgatory in the comments.

2005-01-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

JUNIOR CHARITY ALERT

For every hit on the blog this week, I will make a phone call to Sandra Bullock telling her to donate another million dollars to the tsunami relief effort.

2005-01-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

What exactly is a dog-and-pony show? It sounds great.

2005-01-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

A thought about Tom Waits

I don't think we'd think about him the same way if his name were Tim Waits.

2004-12-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Today's Leno monologue joke:

Oklahoma Highway Patrol troopers found 610 pounds of marijuana hidden in caskets being hauled in a truck stopped near this eastern Oklahoma town. In a related story, rapper Snoop Dogg has died.

Keep your eyes peeled for Junior Harrington's next Leno monologue joke, which will take on Paris Hilton.

2004-12-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

In case you've been living in a cave with a bad wireless Internet connection, they traded Darrell Armstrong so I'm now going to start at point guard for the Hornets! Money quote:

"In New Orleans, [super-talented professor of basketball Junior Harrinton] showed a tendency to make shots and hustle throughout training camp [while generally being a total stud]. During one of the practices, Harrington dived into a chair after getting bumped by Davis as they were pursuing a loose ball. [Basically, Junior is the best ever and the Hornets should give him a chest filled with chocolate coins and ruby necklaces.]"

Hooray for Junior and all Harringtons everywhere!

Also, when you go to the Drudge Report why does it say "Drudge Report 2005" at the top of the window? What's that guy's problem?

2004-11-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

If there's a dimension where everyone's nine thousand times as heavy as they are in our dimension, logic would dictate that they'd call the predictable weight gain observed in college firstyears "the Freshmen 135,000," but that just doesn't have a ring to it. Might I suggest, people in that dimension, "the Frosh Lard Wagoneer?"

Also, take a moment to let it sink in what a fat dimension that would be. Hey people in that dimension, ever heard of the a sit-up??

2004-11-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

SMILE TIME FUN ZONE

Car bomb kills 5 Iraqi police

Mall shooter kills 2, self

Afghan heroin production 'boom'

This has been Smile Time Fun Zone.

2004-11-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

The thing I don't like about the word "brainfart" is that it implies a connection between farts and failure (as in, the failure to conjure up an idea). To me it seems like you should have a "brainfart" when you come up with a really good idea. As in, "The day Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, he let out a brainfart whose rancidity would not be matched for a decade."

2004-11-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

All this talk about Condi Rice being appointed Secretary of State has made me wonder what things would be like had Bush appointed former Miami Heat star Glen Rice instead. My guess is that this would happen:

Reporter: Mr. Rice, are you prouder of the fact that you have scored 40 points on 16 occasions, or of your having been named NBA Player of the Week four times?
Glen Rice: Frankly, I'm most proud of being ranked third on Charlotte Hornet's all-time scoring list.
Reporter: More proud than you are of participating in four consecutive NBA All-Star Weekend Long Distance Shootouts, winning the one in Phoeonix in 1995?
Glen Rice: This press conference is OVER!

2004-11-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

How do you die if you fall down a bottomless pit? If there's no ground to collide with, do you just fall until you starve to death, or do you contract some weird disease due to some reason I don't understand? I ask because my dog fell down a bottomless pit and I was thinking of throwing some dog food after him, but if he's already died of some weird disease I'd just assume not waste dog food.

2004-11-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

So I've started the 2004-2005 NBA season on the injured list with back spasms and our record is 0-3. Coincidence? In my opinion, yes it is a coincidence. Anyways, several fans have asked me what is the best part of having back spasms. My answer is that the best part is while having a back spasm I read about this new movie called "Street" in which a group of street basketball players are recruited to play for an NBA team whose owner has slashed player salaries. Second best part? The hot nurse at the hospital!!

2004-11-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

A lot of standup comics have a bit that goes like this:

"Have you heard about this 'fun sized' candy they have now? They're smaller pieces, there's nothing fun about that! Why on Earth would they be called 'fun sized' when they are in fact less fun?!?"

Anyways, I was thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks, and I've concluded that this is actually a pretty good point. Anyone know someone who works at a candy company who could shed some light on the subject?

Also, keep November 29th circled on your calendars and palm pilots -- it'll be my first game against my once-beloved Nuggets. Also, it's Passover, I'm told.

2004-10-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

J. Harrington

5-8

0-0

4-7

Suck on that, non-believers!!!

-- Guest blogger William Rehnquist

2004-10-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, my family was so poor we had a Christmas branch.

R.I.P.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1685-2004)

2004-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Good news! The Hornets are taking a look at me! Money quote:

"The Hornets also are looking at Junior Harrington, a 6-2 guard who went undrafted in 2002 but helped the Wingate basketball team to a school-record 23-win season."

I think with my help, the Hornets could win 23 games too.

2004-09-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

NEW SITCOMS
It's fall, and you know what that means: leaves are changing color.

Dennis the Tennis
Logline: Mr. and Mrs. Hoggleswallow think they're going to have a beautiful boy named Dennis. But surprise! The missus gives birth to the sport of tennis. Now what happens? Some sitcom episodes.

Anti-Semitic Cat
Logline: Brad the Cat hates Jews.

2004-09-26T18:56:00.000-07:00

Did you know that if you sign an endorsement deal with McDonald's, you don't have to bring money when you want to eat there? The reason I know this is not because I was offered an endorsement deal with McDonald's, but because as is my habit, I became depressed and started reading the blogs of players who are still in the NBA, and I found this in Yao Ming's blog:

"Now that I'm working with McDonald's, I don't have to bring money when I want to eat there."

It seems that the thing Yao is most excited about is avoiding the extreme inconvenience of bringing money to places where he wants to eat.

I am thinking about a change of careers. What do you think I should be? My choices are: literary critic and penguin expert.

2004-09-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

You know that proverb about how people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? Another thing they shouldn't throw is cannon balls.

2004-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

Satellite navigation devices used to track Scott Peterson's car after his wife's disappearance sometimes developed glitches, once indicating he was driving 30,000 mph, an expert in the technology acknowledged Monday at Peterson's murder trial.

A simple glitch in a satellite navigation device, OR HAS SCOTT PETERSON DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO INCREDIBLY FAST SUPER-TRAVEL?

2004-09-02T12:00:00.001-07:00

Did you know that the official Panda Express slogan is "Chinese for: Yummy" ? So if you're in China and someone's like "How's that thing you're eating" and you want to indiciate that it's delicious, our pals down at Panda Express would have you look the guy in the eye and say "Panda Express!" And then the guy would be like, "Woah, I didn't know you knew Chinese!" And then you and the guy would become best friends.

2004-08-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the winning entry for the contest where I asked readers to find the best idiomatic expression that is used exclusively in outer space-related contexts, where it functions as a play on words:

"Out of this world."

Congrats to everyone who submitted.

2004-08-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

One thing not to say when interviewing at a prestigious investment banking firm:

"Let's play Fart Monster -- I'll go first!"

2004-08-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Tip for Songwriters:

If you're writing a song and you need something that both rhymes with "dental dam" and is alliterative, suggestions follow:

Gentle Jam - A spread for toast that goes down smooth.

Lentil Lamb - A dish best served warm, with a Merlot.

Mental Ma'am - An escapee from a sanatorium.

Rental Ram - A Dodge pickup that you've borrowed from Hertz.

Yentl Yam - A tuber you eat while watching a musical.

2004-08-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

For this highly anticipated post, I will finally give out my awards to the dog-themed expressions available on one page of the the popular website dogquotes.com. Here goes:

Most Irreverant Dog-Themed Expression:
"Wife and dog missing ... 25 cents reward for dog."

Most Profound Dog-Themed Expression:
"Life is just one table scrap after another."

Least Confusing Dog-Themed Expression:
TIE: "Be tuff! The "dog days" of summer can be wuff!"
AND "Dog in a manger."

Best Use of an Additional Phrase After an Elipsis in a Dog-Themed Expression:
"Chasing your tail gets you nowhere ... 'cept back to where you started."

Bluest Dog-Themed Expression:
"Maybe you've been looking for love in all the wrong places. A dog will treat you better than anyone you'll meet at happy hour. Trust me. I've been to happy hour."

And finally ... Best Dog-Themed Expression:
"I love dogs."

2004-08-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

You know how if you accidentally knock a guy off a tall ladder onto the pavement and he's on the ground, if you go over to try to help him then everyone's like "Haven't you already done enough?" These people really think that because I failed to successfully navigate a ladder that I would therefore be equally inept at performing CPR? Where's the logic in that? Up their butt is where.

2004-08-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

Parenting Tip:

It's easy to teach your kids not to swear. Just tell them if they're going to use a swear word, stop and say something else instead, like "tarantula" or "boner."

2004-07-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a compelling Googlefight that will teach you an important lesson about the history of politics and diplomacy in our fine nation.

2004-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

One saint that I’m glad does not exist is St. Bitchface.

2004-07-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

It would sure suck if you rubbed a magic lamp and a genie popped out that demanded you grant him three wishes. What if he wanted Superbowl tickets? You’d be screwed.

2004-07-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why this guy I met today got so mad. If I were a former police officer-turned-street vagrant, I sure wouldn’t mind being called “Hobocop.”

2004-07-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

It must have been hard to arrange dates when all they had to keep track of time was the hourglass. You’d be like, “I’ll pick you up when like 7/9ths of the sand is in the bottom,” but when you’d pull up in your carriage she’d still be putting on her asbestos-based makeup because you didn’t turn your hourglasses over at the exact same moment. Also, why would someone use asbestos-based makeup?

2004-07-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one not that impressed by this 3-pound cat that everyone keeps talking about?

3 pounds doesn't seem all that small. It's not like he's 2 pounds or 1 pound.

Wake me up when they find a 1-pound cat. I plan to be sleeping for the next several months straight.

2004-07-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one out there unable to find a bookmark ornate enough for my tastes?

2004-07-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

One glaring omission from the Microsoft Word spelling dictionary: "Wolfman."

2004-07-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

If there's one shape we couldn't do without, I think we'd all agree it's the rectangle.

2004-07-13T01:58:00.000-07:00

One thing I am unable to imagine is what it must have been like before the Queen song "We are the Champions" was written. When a sports team won the championship in its home arena, did they just play like the alphabet song or something? Who's with me here?

2004-07-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Stephen A. Smith, cool down, man.

2004-07-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

One thing that happens in cartoons that's funnier when you see it happening in real life: When someone smells some meat cooking and their mouth waters and they think about how great it would be to eat that meat, only to realize that the thing cooking is their own butt which has been set on fire.

2004-06-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

The dirt on the the NBA Draft Lottery Picks:

1. Orlando: Dwight Howard (PF) - Frequently walks in his sleep, often into construction sites.

2. Charlotte: Emeka Okafor (PF) - Collects fake candy tins that have spring snakes inside. He has over 6000.

3. Chicago: Ben Gordon (PG) - Has exceptionally bad taste re: interior design.

4. LA Clippers: Shaun Livingston (PG) - Invented the Glue Stick at the age of 14.

5. Dallas: Devin Harris (G) - Loves drinking Listerine. Not the mint kind either!

6. Atlanta: Josh Childress (SF) - Almost bowled a perfect game but got a nine on the last frame on FOUR separate occasions.

7. Chicago: Luol Deng (SF) - Carries around a man-purse made out of iron. He gets really defensive if you make fun of him for it.

8. Toronto: Rafael Araujo (C) - Unsuccessfully tried out for the national speedwalking team. His lap times were very poor and he was laughed out of the stadium.

9. Philadelphia: Andre Iguodala (SF) - Refuses to use coasters no matter how moist the bottom of his glass is.

10. Cleveland: Luke Jackson (SF) - Is planning to build the largest treehouse in the world.

11. Golden State: Andris Biedrins (F) - Drinks absinthe like there's no tomorrow.

12. Seattle: Robert Swift (C) - Keeps forgetting how to check his voice mail so he has to carry around the manual for his cell phone.

13. Portland: Sebastian Telfair (PG) - Believes the moon landing was a hoax.

2004-06-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

Something a lot of sports writers are doing right now: in describing the Pistons, they capitalize the word "team" to emphasize that teamplay allowed them to win the champsionship. Example: "The Pistons they proved they were the best TEAM in basketball."

Something not a lot of sports writers are doing right now: covering my basketball career :-(

2004-06-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

Golden Girls Gaffe of the Day:

In episode #133, Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy, Mammy Watkins states that Blanche's full name is "Blanche Marie Hollingsworth." However, in a later episode, her middle name is changed to "Elizabeth" so her initials spell B.E.D.

2004-06-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

If I could talk to the animals, I probably wouldn't even bother. What do they know, they're all a bunch of stupid animals! Dolphins are supposed to be pretty smart, but it's not like they'd be able to help me with this new type of taco I'm designing. And maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but there's no way an owl could give me valuable advice regarding how to market said taco. All it would want to talk about is having good night vision and eating rats. I don't want to talk about those things!

2004-06-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Interview with William Weitzman

William Weitzman is a screenwriter. He's most famous for his movies "Miracle Dog," "Miracle Dog 2," and "Miracle Dog 3: No More Miracles."

Junior: STOP EATING MY GARBAGE!

2004-06-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world, you would lose the phrase "In a perfect world ... " because you could just say, "Well, you know how things are around here."

2004-06-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Who thinks that Gillette's new M3Power razor (supposedly an improvement on the Mach 3) is specifically named to capitalize on latent consumer desire for the music format MP3?

(I'M RAISING MY HAND!)

2004-05-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

From a column by Dr. Jack Ramsay on ESPN.com:

"The bench has also pitched in during the postseason, but while Derek Fisher and Slave Medvedenko have contributed don't expect Phil Jackson to go much deeper than those two guys."

SLAVE Medvedenko? I guess Dr. Ramsay didn't get his doctorate in spelling!!!

2004-05-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

People say that alcohol is evil, but what about how good it makes you feel about yourself?

2004-05-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

When Chili's refers to its ribs as "legendary" in its commercials, exactly what legends is it referring to?

2004-05-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

Good name for a late night talk show host: Richard Monologue